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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.