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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Single ? I`m not single, I`m in a long standin relationship with fun and freedom ! ;)
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce.