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You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
Very little scares me. So does very big.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem