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When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"