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Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.