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Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
You girls are lucky, tampons are changing the end from a string to a bit of tinsel but its only for the Christmas period
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.