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Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
I don`t think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.