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It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth`s equator, most of them would drown.
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.