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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.