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Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
I have one question about Insanity, "Are we there yet"?
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
It`s finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome