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Don`t talk to me about disappointment. I had lots of adults tell me they were gonna "fix my little red wagon" yet here it sits with a broken wheel still
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.