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There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.