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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
As I was signing into my email account instead of yahoo.com I typed hayoo.com...nope, it wasn`t right but I got to thinking it would be quite appropriate, afterall, we`re trying to get someone`s attention, right?
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"