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My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
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First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”