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I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Strangers are like birds. If you run at them screaming and waving your arms they will run away.
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.