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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Two Best Advices For Safe Life : 1. Always Speak The Truth, No Matter How Bitter Harsh It Is ... 2. Run Immediately After Saying It..
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.