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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.