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I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.