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Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
Long story short, I love summaries
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."