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"No comment" - said no woman, ever
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
Ever wish the choice you made and the “right thing to do” were the same thing?