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Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.