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Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
You are wasting your time reading this status.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!