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Based on the sound of her walking.. My upstairs neighbor seems like the kind of woman that starts sentences with; "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum.".. O_o
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
I’m Not Arguing. I’m Simply Explaining Why I’m Right.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.