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I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
"With a stroke of a pen your name can live on forever in a quote!... Unknown,
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.