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If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.