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That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.