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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.