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I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.