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I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
I got 99 problems but a least my name aint North West.
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I`m "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.