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Please ignore this post, I`m pretending to be adding a coworker`s phone number.
I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
Does the Food Network deliver?
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store