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If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I wonder what my dog has named me?
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.