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I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
You know you`re desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.