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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time