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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
Remember when the world ended last year?
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.