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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, for 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.