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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
If you come to myspace and twitter about my yahoo, can I google over your facebook?
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.