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All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.