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People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.