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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.