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BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."