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I wish my mind had a delete button.
I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce.