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Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.