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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.