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I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
Seven years ago today I swallowed bubblegum ... I`ll keep you all posted.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.