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Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
when in Rome get naked ;)
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.