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You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
I think, therefore i`m single.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.