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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
Guys if a woman shaves hers legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo`s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it`s Halloween because our family reunion was in July....