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Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
Own the day
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”