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I put the o in illiterate!
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.