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Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
I was born at a very early age.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...