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People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
Don`t get out of bed, it`s a trap.
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.