Daily Silly Status

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.

I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?

They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?

Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress

Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.

Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.

Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true

Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.

"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"

I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.

I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.

Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.

Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.

I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.

Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.