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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
i think lady gaga puts glue on herself, and rolls around random items.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
The problem with diets is pizza.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.