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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.