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Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
hell yeah !!!! i was the lucky sperm !!!!!