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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
I`ve decided I`m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I`m sorry.
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
The word bed looks like a bed.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.