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I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?