Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
It`s not stalking if you love them!
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.