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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.
Starbucks isn`t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria`s Secret charges per cup.