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I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Wives give sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
I wish bedtime was all the time.
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.