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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife`s is around $643.27. Apparently
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.
My facebook has been rated PG for Poor Guy