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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.