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So you`ll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year ... Your move Weight Watchers
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
I log off because I`m bord... I log on 5min later because I`m bord
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.