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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
"You know, I wish I`d never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
My anger management class pisses me off
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.