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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?