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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.