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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
I feel like a piece of corn in the digestive tract of life ~ I`m going through a lot of crap but I`m sure I`ll come out whole.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Of course you have a right to your own opinion. Just like I have a right to tell you to shove it up your a$$.
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…