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You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?