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If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
You girls are lucky, tampons are changing the end from a string to a bit of tinsel but its only for the Christmas period
If life gives you lemons make grape juice than lay back and watch people wondering how you did it;)
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty