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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
Is everything expensive or am I simply poor?
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D