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I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
great minds and dirty minds have something in common, they think alike
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.