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The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
I read Facebook for the pictures.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.