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The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
I was thinking earlier, thats all, just wanted everyone to know that it does happen from time to time........
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."