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The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
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I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
Yeah I`m married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT`S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
Be the type of gentleman that holds the door open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.