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" a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm