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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
“Knock him out.” – Mama
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.