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"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.