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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
The first sign of laziness:
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.