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It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.