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If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....