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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
Hey Ladies..Prince charming is Gay and living with Mr. Right
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson