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Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
they say there`s love in every corner....gosh I think I`m moving in circles
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
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Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!