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First fart at my new job.
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
My anger management class pisses me off
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver