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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?