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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!