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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL
Next on SportsCenter: Where is Tim Tebow watching the Super Bowl and how will that impact the game?