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The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-