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Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
I think I need to return my GPS...no matter what it can`t help me find easy street
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing about nothing.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
I could of sworn my pillow`s a hairdreeser...coz I always wake up with the craziest hairstyles!! :D
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.