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I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."