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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
The Teen Choice Awards air last tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren`t allowed to vote.
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.