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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!