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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
I`m starting group meetings at my house for people who have OCD, not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"