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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
Okay im going to make myself a sandwich, and i better have some votes when i come back. -.-
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.