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I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.