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I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."