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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
Dancing in the 70`s: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
What if the weather talks about us?
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.