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I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.