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I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.