Daily Silly Status

If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.

Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.

I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a

I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.

I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches

Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.

I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.

So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle

"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.

Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.

I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.