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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?