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I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.