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My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
If you were a Pokemon, I`d choose you.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
Didn`t think my day could get any better but my robe has pockets so boom, there you go.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars