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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant. Agree or nah??
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again: it before
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
Hey, sorry I`m late ... I didn`t want to come
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.