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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
HR have advised that Iām not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.