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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
I am creating the first ever "flavored windows". They should make some of you very happy.
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
Forecast for today: Unproductive with a chance of a late drinking session.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, Iād spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!