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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.