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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
What a terrible day. I`m going to drive through puddles & splash pedestrians to make myself feel better,
Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
I love using my GPS, problem is I can`t find it.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”