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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
Iām pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!