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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.